SITUation Report 10/97
The newsletter of the Society for the Investigation of the UNEXPLAINED, UK branch
A Note from the Editor
Another special report, from one of SITU's youngest field operatives – Maddy Hook. Thank you Maddy!
Next issue we hope to print a list of all the currently active field operatives – should be fun!
Until next time,
"Is this thing on? Wow, this is like 'Dear Diary', or that thing where the tape says it's gonna go BOOM! in, like, twenty seconds or...
"Oh, right. Sorry.
"Well, my name's Madeleine Hook but you can call me Maddy, only don't call me Mad 'cause that's, y'know, not nice. Anyway, I'd only just joined SITU when they asked me if I wanted to go to Mexico and be the Flying Squad (like in that Seventies police show where they just shout at each other – except not really like that at all). Mexico! Way cool!
"And it was cool – sort of. I've never been on holiday on a plane (at least, I don't think I have – since the implant, my memory's a bit more squiggly than it used to be) and the clouds looked really soft and fluffy, like you could maybe just grab a handful and eat it. I didn't, though, that's what the little silvery packets of peanuts were for. They were my favouritest thing of all.
So, like, I bought this big bottle of tequila (which had a worm in it, but I drank it anyway) and I took a taxi to the Hotel Esplendido to meet the other SITU agents – 'cept we were all under cover as innocent holidaymakers. Damien Knight was the first one I met, 'cause all the others were busy trying to break into someone's hotel room to steal a crystal skull, so that this freaky ceremony wouldn't go ahead.
Um... what was I... oh yeah, Damien. He was like this American guy in a fancy suit, and he was into all this, like, really cool computer stuff – and I reckon he's got a brother in the FBI. Real egghead but, y'know, I dunno if he had any friends. Prob'ly into all that weird 'D&D by post' too...
I thought he was married to Diana Knight but he wasn't. She was this graphic artist lady, I liked her the best. Something happened to her husband, I think that's why she joined SITU. Corrin Muir was the other lady agent, she was some Ancient History student who also did all this amazing martial arts stuff – kind of like Sporty Spice with a degree. She hung around a lot with Red – or Dimitri Redchenko. I don't remember his Olympic career ('cause of what they did to my brain) but I know it went all pear-shaped. Or javelin-sticking-in-judge shaped, I guess. He still had great big muscles, even off the steroids.
Ben McDonald's some kind of journalist, I think, from Edinburgh. He didn't say much to me, and Cthulhu only knows why he joined SITU. In fact, everybody seemed pretty sensible – a bit too sensible. Maybe that's why they asked me to join them.
Oh! I almost forgot the last member of the group – George Kelsall. I didn't see him for ages 'cause he'd been kidnapped by this bunch of baddies called the Black Madonna ('cept they were crap at singing, even when they took lots of funny cactus drugs). I had to help find him, and get the investigation back on line, and grab one of the crystal skulls. And I did, eventually. Well, we all did, really; we worked together as a group, and managed to do all these cool things that we wouldn't be able to do if we were working alone. Like when Corrin found this secret room under the Black Madonna church, with George kept prisoner with a real dead human sacrifice! The baddies almost made sacrifices out of us but we dived into this underground river and escaped. It was so cool.
"What's that? Oh, him. Alright, if I have to... There was this other Flying Squad guy that SITU sent out after me, when they reckoned we needed more help – Lawrence Saint-John. Sainty, I called him. He was a crusty old guy about a hundred years old, and he had an umbrella with a duck on it (at least, I think it was a duck) and squillions of money. I picked his pocket once, and found this medal-thing with a pyramid eye on it. He was all sniffy and horrible, and I didn't like him – I think he's part of the Conspiracy. I s'pose he was useful in the end, though: he bribed this Mexican terrorist group to kick the Black Madonnas' bottoms and get back two of the skulls for us. And they did.
"That's what I did on my holidays. Now we're all the next level up in SITU, and it's all, like 'specially secret, so I can't tell you what they told me – but I can say it confirmed a lot of things I already suspected. I can't wait to go on the next super-secret mission, so I can find out even more about what's really going on. Maybe I'll like, see you there?
"Was that okay? Can I have my Hooch back now?"
It's an UNEXPLAINED, UNEXPLAINED, UNEXPLAINED World
- News that US officials are reopening the case of Gloria Ramirez, the 'human gas chamber' – in 1994, she was brought into a Los Angeles hospital suffering from chest pains. She swiftly collapsed from a cardiac arrest. While she was being treated, five members of the medical staff treating her collapsed in turn, after breathing fumes apparently emitted from her body. Their blood, like hers, was contaminated with tiny white and yellow flecks. Ramirez never regained consciousness, and two of the staff are still in intensive care three years later – one, a young doctor, with an advanced form of osteoporosis, the other with inexplicable agonizing headaches and vomiting spasms. The official coroner's report on Ramirez described the fumes simply as 'the smell of death'.
- Keep the stories coming in, readers!
SITU – Out in the Fields
The successful 'Bamworth Legacy' team of field operatives have now been sent overseas, to investigate strange goings-on in Haiti - zombie central! We wish them luck!
Another team, of new recruits, is being prepared for a trip to sunny Sweden, to check out some weirdness around Lake Storsjon.
Next up will be the Great Sphinx of Giza – keep an eye open for the terrorists, people!