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SITUation Report 3/99

The newsletter of the Society for the Investigation of the UNEXPLAINED, UK branch

A Note from the Editor

Dear friends,

Sorry about the long wait for this new SITUation Report - you know how busy things have been here at SITU's roving HQ just lately! This issue we have another two pieces from field operatives, which just go to show that we at SITU are not afraid of criticism. Operatives Culver and Numenor can be confident that we have taken their suggestions fully on board.

Until next time,

Paula Derrow

SITU - Out in the Fields

SITU Dearest,

Weather here, wish you were lovely. This is the first report I've submitted to the newsletter and from where I'm standing(?) there's a good chance it'll be my last. Ha-bloody-ha – you'll excuse me if I don't stop to savour the irony.

What the fuck's happened to you, SITU? I thought I looked unwell but you're coming apart at the seams. Centre not holding, hmm? A wee touch of pre-millennial entropy, perhaps? Or is it just that you've become a bunch of faceless Machiavellian bastards who don't give a flying fuck what happens to the poor bloody cannon-fodder you call agents - just so long as they don't tell 'The Enemy' your dirty little secrets before they pop their clogs?

Seems that rumours of your metamorphosis have not been exaggerated. New broom at the top? Have you been infiltrated by Ylids or were you like this all along? I don't think so; I think you changed after Haiti, after you moved premises. Yes, you've changed SITU, and I don't love you any more. I'm leaving, and I'm taking the kids – if you want me, I'll be at mother's.

Angry? Yep. Bitter? You betcha. Crazy? Maybe a little. It has been a long time since I last saw daylight and the constant likelihood of violent death by exsanguination does tend to do strange things to one's thoughts... Okay, that's not your fault: I asked to join this mission, and I can hardly blame you for the bungled hostage swap when it wasn't your idea. But then, ideas have never been your forte, have they?

An example: the idea to cynically use Benedict Riggs – a sick and vulnerable agent – as bait to catch Ol' Spooky Pants, the Count. Not the most cunning plan you've ever hatched, was it? Then again, you're bloody good at covering your own tracks: it's taken us this long to work out the whole Whitby job's a set-up, that we're here to clean up your shitty mess. Is that why it's taking you this long to give us back Hendleby's computer? God forbid we might actually find out something about your fuck-up and get cold feet about the whole shebang - you don't want us doing a 'Darius McGregor', not at this stage in the game.

And the dead vampire? You whipped him off us PDQ, didn't you? Never mind that we risked our sodding lives bringing him in - or that several of us have skills that might've shed considerable light on his dissection – we can't have SITU's little helpers knowing things, can wet The old Mushroom Model of Management: keep 'em in the dark and cover 'em with shit.

Never fails... oh yeah, except when it does.

Whoever 'The Enemy' actually are, I think I'd bet my life (admittedly not such a hot commodity these days) on them knowing more about your agents' business than we do. Quite apart from my own predicament, the rest of us seem to be losing relatives left, right and centre. Maybe they're not all SITU-related casualties, maybe the darkness is making me paranoid, but we just don't know, do we? You're sure as buggery not going to tell us – not until we're Green or Indigo or whatever stupid X-Files crap you're peddling today. No wonder John Henry bailed out when he had the chance. And Jeffrey Fanlight – how were you planning to sacrifice his man, Fulk?

So... I've almost reached the.end of my Postcard From The Edge Of A Nervous Breakdown (cream your pants, film buffs) and as I lie here like the bloody English Patient, cosily bound upon my filthy mattress, my thoughts are with you, SITU. Our mission may have been fucked-up from the start – and I know I am now – but what goes around comes around. Or, as the wise monkey says, as above, so below. I suspect that your end, when it comes, will be the stickiest of all. And I've seen some pretty sticky ends...

Goodnight, sweet SITU. May flights of angels sing thee to thy rest.

Your twisted firestarter, Dr Matthew Culver

Dear Ms Derrow,

I'd like to submit the following item for inclusion in the upcoming edition of the SITUation Report. While I expect that some censorship may be necessary, I urge you to permit as much of the text as possible to reach my fellow operatives.

I don't expect I need to remind you that the awful debacle of the Oxford investigation occurred in part because of SITU's policy of keeping operatives in the dark on matters of import and relevance to their investigations. As you know, half of our team was incapacitated, in shock, with severe burns, or near death from heart failure. Frankly, I think it's a miracle that the team survived the massive conflagration that ended the International Congress for Investigation into Psychism and destroyed a good portion of Oxford University's Department of Zoology. Sadly, over a dozen lives could have been saved, and much anguish and pain avoided if our team had been properly briefed.

Despite these very severe problems, I'd like to assure you that I am most certainly interested in continuing to provide what help I can against our common enemies – both those outside and within SITU. I would like to volunteer for the next available investigation, whether as part of a flying squad or as part of a team participating in a new case. My preference would be to avoid working with Dr Alnes again, but this is a secondary consideration. My first priority is to begin a case again as soon as possible.

That said, I'd like to move on to the main purpose of my letter. I'd like to request that any operative who has information about the 'Watcher' in Wales or the Trismegistus Club to contact me as soon as possible. These two have figured prominently in our just-completed investigation, and I have reason to believe their involvement will continue to be quite significant in future SITU investigations.

I'm presently in transit for a two-week vacation in Glastonbury. The best way that anyone can reach me is by transmitting a message via email to, or by post to my solicitor in the States. The address is Charles R Miro, Esq, 1828 L Street, NW, Suite 906, Washington, DC 20036 USA. I will advise Mr Miro of my whereabouts and he will forward my mail as often as necessary.

Best Regards,

Ned Numenor

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